Monday, September 15, 2003
ER is starting in 25 mins.
i dunno why but i feel pain deep inside. guess this is getting over rejection.
guess this is trying to get over someone you love. trying ur hardest to think that you guys are just friends.
that what you feel inside your heart is just bullshit.
she says let it be. let the feelings be??? are you crazy??
knowing me the feeling will grow and grow and it will explode until one day i just want to die cos i can't have you. that is how much i can love someone. i know the meaning of true love thanks to lin. and now i know that what i feel for her. what i feel for my baby is real. what i would do for her. what i would sacrifice. there is no point putting it in words.
and i know we can be nothing more than friends. bcos of the fact that she is straight. but i dunno why...i am hopeful tt one day she will love me too. maybe tts why i dont want to stop loving her. i dont care if she knows how i feel. i wont hide it from her. i dont care if she knows my desires. and if she knows everything. cos i cant hide anythng from her. so im letting this out. im screaming it out loud...
I LOVE YOU FELICIA FERNANDEZ!!!!!!!
i'll scream it to every fucking idiot i know. i can't deny it. it hurts too much to hide it.
maybe tts the pain i feel inside??
n maybe the other pain is the fact that i know she will break my heart. how long can she stand me? how long can she keep quiet? when i am laying all my cards on the table. isn't she scared? lin ran away so fast tt i couldn't catch up. wat makes her any different?? wat makes feli b there for me despite knowing that i love her with all my heart? and that all i want is for her to be mine. i dont care if i fail my promos. i dont care if i get screwed by the whole world. i dont care abt wat ppl might say. and i dont care abt god. yes! i am tt bad. n i am tt in love.
i might not say it. not like i used to. but i do feel it. i know it. i feel it. i can't deny it. i love her. is that a sin?
and here i am waiting for her to break my heart. and i feel like screaming at her to do it soon. b4 the pain increases and then i am left with nothing. slap my face. hurt me. say mean things. please!!!!!! please. i just want you to hurt me. hurt me. so that the pain i feel inside will seem real. please baby. please hurt me. so tt when i get hurt i can run away from you. cos i don't have tt kind of power. cos i am not strong enough to run away from you on my own.
i just need to run away from u so tt i can recover. then i'll be strong to come back to you. and then we can be friends again. if that is possible. and if its not at least i know n u know that i don't love you anymore and that i have moved on. rather than me hanging on a string..still waiting for the day you will love me back.
please hurt me so that the pain i feel inside will seem real. please...i am beggin you.
i love you so much feli. i love you.
damn... hurt me.
--insignificant lies--
12:30 am
